Archive for January, 2009

S.I. Curse…Reversed?

January 30, 2009

How many times have you or a media outlet blamed a loss on the infamous “SI Curse”? I am sure at some point, if you’re a sports fan, you have done it. This theory is that if a player or their team makes the cover, they will ultimately have bad luck for the remainder of the season. This can result in a losing season or even go as far as injury. In 1981, George Brett makes the cover and starts out with a .208 BA and the royals go 3-10. Sports Illustrated then plays a dirty prank on Georgie and reruns the same cover after the strike. He comes back from the strike and starts 1-20. In 1993, Florida State’s kicker Scott Bentley makes the cover as a freshman and the magazine claims he “gives #1 Florida State the edge”. Bentley then muffs 7 (SEVEN) extra point attempts in the next 5 games! In 1997, Lou Davanzo makes the “Faces in The Crowd” section for a dominating performance again Struthers Wildcats only to get posterized by one LeBron James a few short years later. In 2001, Oregon State is named SI’s #1 in the College Football Preview issue. They go on to lose their first game 44-21 to Fresno State and finish up their season 5-6. These are just three incidences where the curse has prevailed, but there are far more.
What caught my attention these past few months if how many regional covers Sports Illustrated has been doing. For the College football preview, there were 5 teams on different covers depending on where you were in the country. Out here in Vegas we had USC. Obviously I would not purchase that, so I had the SI with Ohio State on the cover sent out. One of those 5 teams went on to win the National Championship. No curse there, right? Next up was the College basketball preview and again 5 different teams on 5 different covers. This past week I got the “Can Anyone Stop Them?” issue with the Arizona Cardinals on the cover and thought to myself “well, there ya go, Steelers are going to roll them.” That was until I saw what they were issuing on the right side of this country. It was the same exact template with a different picture. It was a picture of the Steelers this time. This is when it hit me. Sports Illustrated is reversing their curse all by themselves. How can you say whoever loses the Super Bowl was cursed when both teams appeared on the cover? The same goes for the less fortunate teams on the College football preview issue. They have found a way to allow teams and players to appear on the cover of their magazine without worrying if it will jeopardize their future or season. We’ll just have to wait now to see how long the curse can be subdued…

Things I Would Rather Do Than Listen to Stephen A. Smith Talk

January 29, 2009

  • Chew rocks
  • Listen to the Moby Dick book on tape narrated by Lou Holtz
  • Watch Titanic in spanish
  • Take a vacation to Siberia
  • Go to the dentist
  • Play hopscotch in a landmine field
  • Go see Carrot Top’s show
  • Pour a bucket of rattlesnakes down my pants
  • Fight Brock Lesnar
  • Watch women’s ice hockey
  • Kill a puppy
  • Become a vegan
  • Take a cross-country road trip with Al Sharpton
  • Be a contestant on Bromance

Tapatio: The New Holy Water?

January 28, 2009

A Guest Post by Donald Glista, Esquire…

Frank’s Red Hot sauce anyone? When I was a young whippersnapper, I would leap from my chair in joy to grab the luscious bottle of Frank’s and delightfully continue to pour at least a quarter of the bottle on any form of rations in front of me. Today, however, I am now older and wiser and live in San Diego. If there is one thing I have learned from my tenure in this beautiful city, it is that Frank’s has become almost obsolete from my vocabulary. I now turn to the enchanting bottle of Tapatio. If you are yet to try Tapatio then add it to your 2009 New Year’s resolution. Tapatio is a full bodied sauce. It is well balanced with a touch of heat and elegance. This sauce is perfect for the consumer who desires flavor over heat. While at the same time, do not shy away if you desire heat because I guarantee it will clear your sinus passages by the end of your meal.

Now at this point, if you consider yourself a connoisseur of hot sauce as I personally do, then you may be skeptical. Let me assure you however, that I have been around the block. My days of education in the subject of Hot Sauce began when I was a young boy. I have tried almost every bottle you may find in your local grocery store. Frank’s Red Hot; Cholula; Red Rooster; Dave’s Insanity Sauce (not recommended unless a practical joke is involved); Tabasco (all forms including Habanera, Chipotle, and original); Sri Racha etc. Anyone who knows me can vouch that when I eat any type of food, I swathe my sustenance with so much hot sauce that I begin to perspire under my eyes so much that it is comparable to the glorious waters succumbing to the magnificent force of the Niagara Falls. It is a vice which plagues my life and makes meals particularly embarrassing especially when I have the privilege of escorting a woman to dinner. However, I feel my pallet is not fulfilled until the beads of sweat begin to flow from pours as steadily as a Kenyan running a low altitude marathon.

In conclusion, Tapatio ranks supreme in my book. Personally, a breakfast burrito is neither the same nor complete without Tapatio both soaking its contents and dripping from the tortilla which wraps its delicious insides. As Bob Dylan says, “The times they are a changin’.” As this country is continuing its time of change with President Barack Obama taking office, I believe it is a time for change in all of us. Make this year and the years to come, a time when we all have the courage to make the change from whatever hot sauce it is that you have stood by for so many years, to the full bodied and well balanced flavor of Tapatio. Ladies and gentlemen, I introduce to you Tapatio…

Daly Should Be on the $2 bill

January 28, 2009

Why the $2 bill? Because that’s how much his hookers cost. Not because he’s cheap, it’s because he lost everything else on a horse or at a blackjack table. Keep a Daly in your back pocket to get yourself a nice hooker at the end of the bad night or in the middle of a 5 day bender. Check out this video of him playing a round of golf without a shirt or shoes and probably a half bottle of johnny walker and a carton of marlboro reds in him.

All my teachers and all of the presidents talked about the “american dream”. Now I know what they were talking about all along. His daily regimen consists of a 18 holes in the morning, hittin up a lunch buffet at a near by strip club, hitting drives off beer cans, drinkin scotch, eating pain killers like skittles and gambling away everything he has. He is the epitome of a man’s man and is truly living the american dream. In his spare time he figured out a cure for bruised ribs…the sun.

T.O. has B.O.

January 27, 2009

Do you know what really stinks? Other than how offensive Terrell Owens body odor is…
VH1 has announced that Terrell Eldorado Owens, thats right Eldorado, will have his own reality television show. The Terrell Owens Project will air in the summer of 2009. Unfortunately, not only do we have to listen to this cancer from week to week during the NFL season, he will now pollute America throughout the off-season, but you never know, maybe he’ll OD again?
This puke stained urinal will do just about anything to get the cameras on Terrell Owens. There are only a few select human beings who like themselves as much as Terrell Owens does (some say I may be one of those people… Whats not to love?).
Lets make this perfectly clear, I have nothing against T.O.’s big play ability (minus the 25 drops in 2007). As a walking mismatch at the wide receiver position myself I completely understand what it’s like to be so open downfield that you doze off and completely forget what you’re suppose to be doing (this has actually never happened to me).
The only true excitement this guy brings me anymore is when I get to watch him celebrate touchdowns, since the NFL frowns upon this now-a-days (like that will stop T.O. from doing what he does best) I feel that this has limited Owens imagination, which I’m sure has the ability to run as wild as Christian Okoye in Super Tecmo Bowl.
There is very little doubt in my mind that VH1 will make T.O. look like the loose cannon that he absolutely is. As much as I don’t want to, I’m sure I’ll tune in for the first few episodes to see if this guy is more of a lunatic than Mr. Shickadance from Ace Ventura Pet Detective.

Mangini & Kokinis…Godspeed.

January 27, 2009

I’ve been thinking for a few days about I feel (and should feel) about Eric Mangini and George Kokinis, and still haven’t come to a solid conclusion. It’s only fair to look at this front office pairing after stepping back and trying to remove emotions from the equation. Sure, we all would’ve loved to have Cowher running the sidelines and Parcells running the show upstairs, but a lot of times this just isn’t reality. No matter who came out of Randy Lerner’s search for coach/GM, there was going to be a sea of skepticism and debate. The media has not been very forgiving up to this point, but the Browns have certainly not helped themselves by coming across as un-fan-friendly and slightly smug in recent weeks by staying so quiet.

Randy Lerner conducted a very thorough search after speaking with several league executives in and around the NFL. Cowher immediately took himself out of the equation, and Scott Pioli made it well-known to Lerner that he intended on tearing apart everything and entering a fullblown rebuilding project. Lerner felt that there was too much talent on the team, and I think most would agree with that sentiment. There really weren’t any other coaches available that I would have gone after. Unfortunately, we’re going into this one off-season too soon. That being said, I feel that Eric Mangini is a very solid choice for this organization moving forward. He brings a no-nonsense attitude, demands respect, and preaches discipline and accountability…characteristics that have been solely missing from Romeo’s disciples in recent seasons. It also certainly helps that he has three previous years of head coaching experience. Going into this Sunday, 9 out of the last 10 Super Bowl winning coaches won the championship with their second team. He’s a mini-Belichick in every sense of the word, and is a very intriguing choice. Those complaining that he’s simply a “Belichick disciple” may someday be proven right, but I feel he will be a far better coach that Romeo Crennel based on his demeanor and attitude alone (not to mention it’s impossible for his in-game coaching decisions to be any worse).

Goerge Kokinis, on the other hand, is quite the wild card. I sincerely hope that Kokinis is able to come in let his voice be heard, rather than simply carrying out Mangini’s orders. In listening to his introductory press conference today, he indicated that one of the reasons his announcement took so long is that he wanted to make sure that he and Mangini still fundamentally agree on their ideologies. They spent a lot of time in the last week discussing their off-season strategies, as well as thoroughly breaking down the current Browns roster. But Kokinis did stress in his press conference that he will be have final say of the 53 man roster, which is a good start. Kokinis has an extensive background in current NFL rosters, meaning he would specialize in free agency and trade avenues in the coming off-seasons. This is why it’s so unfortunate that he felt that he would not be able to work with T.J. McCreight, the former director of pro personnel whom “resigned” Friday night. He had been in charge of the Browns scouting after Savage’s ouster, meaning Kokinis will quickly need to get acclimated with draft preparations and find a replacement for pro personnel.

Bottom line? This won’t be Romeo/Savage part II. Mangini will not be in over his head on Sundays, and Kokinis will (hopefully) not spend all of his time trying to carry out personal agendas behind the backs of the HC and owner. These two know what kind of players they want, and should, repeat should, form a solid tandem. Phil Savage was a super scout, but failed miserably when in charge of front office personnel. I am, however, still concerned about the overall structure of the organization. A new director of pro personnel will be hired soon, and is rumored to be James “Shack” Harris, who was most recently in the Jacksonville front office. But if Kokinis doesn’t assert himself, then both guys will be reporting directing to Randy Lerner, who is not a football guy. The lack of a team president overseeing the HC/GM is a very risky proposition. This team has needed a football guy as team president ever since it returned to the league.
Anyone who tells you that they know how this combo is going to fair is pulling your chain, because it’s impossible to tell for sure. There’s not much we can do but be a little skeptical, take a wait-and-see approach, and hope for the best. But one thing is absolutely set in stone…Randy Lerner had better have gotten this right. The ramifications will be catastrophic for the organization and his ownership, so here’s hoping his research was done well.

Jeb

Swung On and Belted!

January 26, 2009

This weekend, in San Diego, we had our second ever Wiffle Ball Homerun Derby Challenge. This was the first time we had used official Wiffle Ball equipment, so we were all a little anxious. Things started out normal that day. Snake told everyone how they would bow to him and he was the greatest thing since seeing himself on game film during high school football. Donk and I both laid claim that we would walk away victorious but our trash talking never quite reached the status of Snakes. Then again, not many peoples can. Glista was his usually hippie self and didn’t say much, he just wanted to play. Then there is Loeffler, the hard hitter from Missouri who often thinks of himself in highest capacity, so we knew he expected to win and he thought of this as a man playing with boys. Things would prove not that easy at all…

After taking some batting practice that looked more like blind folded children swinging at a piñata, we decided to get the game under way. Up first was Don, who knocked out 2 homeruns and set the bar for the game. I came up next and also hit 2 homeruns. Loeffler added 1 and Donk and Snake rounded out the first round with goose eggs. Don and I advanced to the finals where I subsequently won it because Snake dropped a homerun that should have been an out. Thanks again Snake. The next game, I joined Snake and Donk as they continued their downward spiral by putting up 2 more goose eggs. I feel my bad performance in game 2 was a direct result of being a little too awesome in game 1. It happens. Don once again found himself in the finals, but like a postman on Sunday, he was unable to deliver. Loeffler ended up winning game 2 with a towering shot over the head of the Donk.

Now there were 2 players that put up goose eggs and most would consider that a sorry performance. I would agree with most. But I have to say that Donk was a step ahead of Snake because of the way he played in the field. Donk had soft hands/hooves and made a bunch clutch plays. One of which he jumped and robbed me of a homerun. I would say that Donk gets the Golden Glove award for his performance. Since we weren’t using gloves and Donk has no hands, we will be giving him the Golden Hoof award. Way to go Donk!

Snake, on the other hand/hoof, played so terrible that it is going to be hard to explain. First of all, I was the pitcher and he did not hit 1 ball past me the entire two games. All he could do was look at me and say “what is happening?” in a soft, sad whisper of a voice. It was like he had never heard of baseball and never seen anyone swing a bat. His swing was so terrible that I am willing to bet he could not have done better with a tennis racket. When he went to swing, his back foot stepped backwards, his front foot inwards and he swung and pulled his head so far around I thought it was going to spin the like in The Exorcist. After 2 games, we decided to call it a day. I guess we will have to wait until the trip in May to see what happens when Leofler and I go head to head. Snake, do us all a favor and go the batting cages because your lack of skills is MAKING ME SICK!

ThunderTreats Invention of the Week ….THE ASS TOWEL

January 26, 2009


Now for all of us who have reused a towel, we’ve pondered..”Did I just dry my face with the part of the towel that I went to town on my crack with lastnight???” This will eliminate that dilemma. The different color square is designated for your crack and ball bag so there isn’t any cross contamination with your face. Stay tuned to ThunderTreats in the future to purchase one these with your favorite sports team on the main part and your most hated team on the ass square. That will teach them for beating you in the playoffs last year.

**TRADE PREDICTION**

January 26, 2009


I’m pulling this one of my ass, unless it comes true, in that case I’m a god damn genius. Two disappointments of the 2008 season, The Detroit Lions and Cleveland Browns are about to join forces in an attempt to not suck this year. Two new coaches in town this year that can’t look any worse than their predecessors. Detroit has too many picks and the Brownies have too many quarterbacks. Lets put 2 and 2 together. It’s time for Cleveland to let Brady run the show. Detroit isn’t gonna make the same mistake as Joey Harrington and take Bradford (unless they listen to Kiper) with the first overall. Derek Anderson is the perfect guy to come in and bring along a 3rd to 4th round quarterback. This should be a no brainer for Mangini after all of the Favre drama. Quinn was drafted to be the main man in Cleveland and the fans are ready for it. He’s been drinkin his EAS Myoplex shakes and is ready for round 2 with Shaun Smith….”NOW IM DONE”

January 26, 2009
Alex Trebek hates Bill Belichick

Wicked Awesome